On the Beach

Monday, 10 December 2012

Replacement Parent

As parents, I am sure most of us think at some point that- to our kids- we are irreplaceable  For me at least, this emotion can swiftly be followed by the feeling that I wish someone would replace me, just for a moment.

I got to thinking the other day what "value" I add to their lives and I came up with a list of 4 things they really need someone to do for them.

Someone to drive them places

When I asked my girls the other day what I did that they liked best, they both replied that it was driving them somewhere (the older one said to Monkey Town, the younger one to her grandparents' house).

And it's true, at some point in the last 6 years I seem to have- unbeknownst to myself- applied for the position of chauffeur to 2 noisy midgets and accepted. I'll be honest- the working conditions are tough, the pay non-existent and the only tips you get are on what music they want played.

Someone to find things

My younger daughter has been known, mid-stride, to suddenly burst into tears and start bawling that she can't find something which, judging by the racket she's making, must have life saving properties. It's not that she's been looking for it for a while, she just wants it RIGHT NOW and can't see it in her immediate vicinity  She gives me no clues (very often to what is IS: "I caaaaaaaaaaaaan't find IT!!" - not helpful) as to where it was last seen. Apparently I am blessed with psychic properties.

The older girl is a bit better in that she doesn't howl- she'll just whine, generally after we've put her to bed- but make equally little effort to find it before declaring it to be lost.

Someone to hold stuff.

The children like to take half the house with them when we go out. We have tried to limit the amount to hold luggage on a transcontinental flight. So we fight, tell them to take less, then relent and leave with the boot and back seat so full you wouldn't want me to reverse the car in your direction.

Inevitably, when we reach our destination, after 3 minutes I morph into a porter/valet. Another favourite time to dump me with a load of stuff is when they're getting out the car. I have no idea why   Later, I am held responsible when the treasured item that was flung at me with a million others cannot be found .

Someone to referee

My husband and I are regularly called on to passed judgement on who had it first, whose turn it is, who it belongs to (not easy, as they have engaged in a barter economy, the value of the toys being a mystery to us) or who is entitled to the last ice cream/biscuit (insert any other coveted item in short supply).

I have been giving a lot of thought to what or whom could replace me and fulfil ALL these vital roles for my children.

The conclusion: a psychic donkey (for carrying/holding- it could come with baskets) with a driver's licence and a whistle.

If anyone can tell me where I can get me one of those, I'd be grateful. It's day one of the holidays and I feel I may need a short break soon.

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