On the Beach

Monday, 6 August 2012

Mummy Olympics

The 2012 London Olympics are well underway and London seems to be giving its doubters a big old slap in the face. Things (mostly) seem to be going swimmingly and none of the gridlocked by a hundred millions people dressed in national tracksuits seems not to have happened. The rather superbly eccentric opening ceremony boded well and the goodwill (and even the good weather, mostly) seems to have remained with the event.

I was quite excited to begin with but it's all a bit much for me. Wall-to-wall sport for days and days on end doesn't float my boat for very long. I did briefly become obsessed with the medals table (although therapy helped with that). The only thing that has stayed with me, Olympics-wise, is a fascination with what I consider to be "obscure sports".  Or maybe just "Weird sh*t". I was briefly unable to stop watching a women's judo match (? is it called a match?) as it seemed to me the purpose was to bounce around a small area on stiff legs whilst batting stiffly with your hands at the opponent. Then someone would tell them to stop and we'd be back to the stiff bouncing dance. The there's dressage which is completely bizarre to me. Making an a poor trussed up horse dance and then pause mid-move. And again. Like watching a DVD that keeps stopping.

And then there's shot-put which is ludicrous. Giant, GIANT people throwing what looks like tiny balls (but first bending backwards in a move that looks like you're trying to put an ear to the ground- "Sorry, did I hear something? No? OK, I'll just throw this ball then.). I shouldn't laugh because my fellow countrymen (the Poles) seem to excel at this. I should be proud. But then I should also be proud of the weight-lifting at which they seem to do well. Lifting a weight, whilst doing a little skip with a constipated facial expression? Not my idea of a good time, but each to their own and it's nice to be good at something. Even if it's..er...that.

So I got to thinking that if all this weird stuff can qualify as Olympic Sports, all us mummies who don't have enough time to practice and shine at the these things at the Olympics should be afforded our own Olympics where we can show what we're good at.

Some ideas:

"The dining table lunge": this is the movement where you sit across the table from your child and keep having to half rise to feed them/water them/wipe them. Great for the thighs. Gold would go to the mother who gets the child to eat its meal in the shortest period of time without flying off the handle. Harder than you think!

"The adult dinner time half-sit": This event would be conducted after all small children had been put to bed and the mother was under the impression she could eat her dinner. She attempts to sit but is prevented from doing so by constant spurious requests for random sh*t. Again, great for the thighs because you're never standing or sitting. Gold would go to the team that could finish and meal and carry out most random requests in the shortest period of time. This would be a team event and persistent children with whiny voices make the best younger team mates.

"The Corridor Relay:" This is an event for both parents and is linked to the half-sit. The child yells out ever more desperate requests for stuff and the parents must rush to deliver. Mum and dad must take turns (hence the relay). There is no baton here: "your turn to go" said in a bitter voice must however be uttered between events. Gold goes to the team who delivers 10 requests in the shortest time. For advanced teams, an extra child is thrown in with no extra time allowed.

"The puke sprint": this is the sprint that every parent does when they realise that their child is going to vomit but there's no receptacle in the room. Gold goes to the parent who catches the most vomit in a bowl.

"The "I can't find it" bend: this is the move you do when searching for a toy that your child desperately needs (normally at bedtime) but cannot find. The toy would be hidden amongst a mountain of useless crap while your child wails and weeps in the background. Gold goes to the parent who finds  the toy in the fewest bends. This event is not recommended for those with bad backs. There is a special prize (a platinum medal maybe?) for the parent that shows the most patience (ie doesn't lose it within 3 minutes).

"The "getting dressed" chase: each contestant is given a perky and uncooperative 3 year old who they have to undress (from pyjamas) and dress in time for school. The course is an obstacle course consisting of toys, bits of breakfast, slippery books and discarded clothing. Gold for the child most quickly caught and dressed. Extra points given for patience and lack of swearing. During this event, the phone must ring at least 3 times and one must be a cold calling salesman.

I think it could work- don't you? No weirder than watching people bounce stiffly in a small area whilst wearing a dressing gown, surely?


  1. Ah yes very good, thanks. :-) + LOL

    Parenthood is a joy, but I must say I don't miss all the stuff you describe that goes with the 'little' years.

    But, go for gold mums, go for gold.

  2. You're right, parenting is a joy! Sometimes I find I really need a sense of humour and some herbal calming remedies to get me through the day though ( or at least 'til the post bedtime corridor relay)